Label Queen The Hallmark Episodes

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Label Queen. So here is the deal. When I started this podcast, it was originally supposed to be all about Hallmark movies. And then everybody was like, but, you know, do you really do that? And then I was like, you know what, you're right. I'll do this sort of fashion thing. But. But the Hallmark movie just kept. Just was drilled into my brain that I had to do it. So lo and behold, I've decided in true Label Queen spirit, not to be defined by one thing. I'm doing six episodes roasting and toasting Hallmark holiday Christmas movies. I love these things. I don't know why we're going to get into it. I'm sure there's a very deep psychological reason for that, but we're going to. We're going to find out. And here to help me along the way is a dear friend, comedian, writer, producer, Lauren Kinchelo. How are you, Lauren? [00:01:05] Speaker B: I'm doing well, James, thank you. [00:01:08] Speaker A: Okay, so first of all, thank you for doing this. Secondly, what is your relationship to Hallmark holiday Christmas movies? [00:01:20] Speaker B: So my mother in law who is from Arkansas finds them precious beyond measure. [00:01:25] Speaker A: Okay, so she's a believer. [00:01:27] Speaker B: She is a believer. I'm really. [00:01:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:31] Speaker B: I thought that I had seen something in this genre and my experience watching this film made me realize that I have so much to learn. [00:01:38] Speaker A: Okay, good. So what we're really gonna find out is how hardened your heart is in the world of romance and love and fantasy. And I think that's why I love these things so much, because I just feel like there's always hope, you know, that's what these things do. Yeah, if you're a blonde princess. All right, so the first one we're going to do is a. I think it's a brand new release. It is on the Countdown to Christmas, honey. We are going to dig into what. [00:02:15] Speaker B: Is this mess called A Royal Montana Christmas. [00:02:18] Speaker A: Okay. It is a 2025 Hallmark movie that premiered as part of the network's Countdown to Christmasy. I should work for these people. The story follows a princess. They love saying princess who escapes her royal duties. By the way, her royal duties are not that deep, okay? [00:02:36] Speaker B: And why as a princess, can she not walk in heels? This is. That was baffling to me. [00:02:43] Speaker A: I'm gonna tell you why she can't. Okay? So she escapes her royal duties, which includes lighting candles for some weird reason for a simple Christmas vacation, and falls for a rancher, of course. Okay, here's the summary. She's overwhelmed by her responsibilities. [00:02:59] Speaker B: Too many candles to Light. I think I have a light. It's three. [00:03:01] Speaker A: Princess Victoria of the fictional country of. Get ready for it, kids. Zularnia. Now, what did you think of Zularnia? [00:03:10] Speaker B: Well, the Zularnian accent is something that was just very nuanced and special. [00:03:17] Speaker A: It's part Canadian, part British. [00:03:21] Speaker B: But they have hired an American footman. [00:03:23] Speaker A: A footman? There were lots of footmen. [00:03:26] Speaker B: He was fleet of foot. Actually, we could say he's light in the loafers. Is that too rude? [00:03:31] Speaker A: No, that's like a 70s term that I heard my whole life. So, yes, he very much was. That was Gabriel. All right, so Larnia, she decides to return to Peaceful Pines, a ranch in Montana. Peaceful Pines sounds like a hospice. It sounds like. Like a retirement home. Let's go visit Grandma. Peaceful Pines. So this is in Montana, a place where she once spent a memorable Christmas, which she will not let us forget through this whole damn thing with her late father. Okay. Upon her arrival, Victoria meets the ranch's handsome guide, Huntley Baylock. Which I want to. I think it should be Huntley. Huntley. I think it should be Fuck Me Bigcock. That's gonna be his new name. Okay. Fuck Me Bigcock. Unaware of her true identity, of course, Huntley treats her like any other guest and presents a rustic ranch experience. Okay. She checks into this place, and they put her to work immediately. [00:04:36] Speaker B: But I was watching this with my husband. I was like, this is absolutely absurd. And he did correct me and say that there are some dude ranches where part of the experience is taking part in the activities. But I was like. [00:04:47] Speaker A: Chopping wood with an ax by yourself? Picking up shit in a horse stall. What else does she have to do? [00:04:54] Speaker B: She moves a lot of sawdust from one place to another. I mean, a significant quantity of sawdust is relocated there. [00:05:00] Speaker A: There really is. [00:05:01] Speaker B: I think she. She does something to offense. [00:05:05] Speaker A: She puts lights up, I'm sure. Okay. Huntley is struggling with his own family legacy as his parents are approaching retirement, and he must decide whether to take over the family ranch. Now, Huntley, What'd I call him? Fuck Me is he's also grappling with a little bit of a secret and, of course, hidden identity. As Victoria and Huntley grow closer, things become complicated. Of course, when Fuck Me discovers that she is royalty. Victoria must then decide whether to return to her royal life of lighting candles once a year or embrace a new one in Montana with Fuck Me Bigcock. Okay, here we go. So let's dive into it. We open the scene, she's, whatever, stroking her horses and then she gets called to duty by Gabriel, who's in her business all the time. He's got his laptop, he's got his iPad, he's got her diary. This chick is really over scheduled. So he puts her in a dress. Of course it's too tight. And then she puts on the heels. And what happens? [00:06:20] Speaker B: She can barely walk in them. This is her whole life as princessing. It also seems to me like I would be more interested in her watching her struggle at the dude ranch. We already know she's a horse lover. Just like, the stakes are lower there, you know? [00:06:35] Speaker A: Well, for me, what it says is she's just not cut out for this, you know, like, she's got a lot of hair on her head, by the way. That hair was a lot. She can't walk in the heels. She gets called down in the middle of the day for some weird ceremony. [00:06:50] Speaker B: Also did rather expertly do her own lipstick with no mirror. So that just didn't track for me. [00:06:56] Speaker A: So she goes down and meets her mother, the Grand Duchess, and her sister, who, you know, that sister is like, bitch, I am next in line and I want. I want the crown. I don't care that I'm brunette. I can still be a princess. And Victoria's like, mm, you'll never be. But she really kind of, like, wants her to be. Whatever. Whatever. So we find out that she has to do this ceremony of lighting the candles. They're calling it an advent lighting. Four candles that represent hope, joy, peace, and love, of course. And she goes to light the first candle and of course, fucks up right away. And you just know her heart is not in it. She finishes the ceremony, goes upstairs, finds a card from her late father with a photograph of her and a horse on this ranch. And of course, she can't get it out of her brain. Let's see then. [00:07:54] Speaker B: But wait, what about when Gabriel is like, oh, honey, it's time for you to get into the Valentino. And she's like, I hope you mean PJs. And then they didn't have the budget for any Valentino. [00:08:02] Speaker A: They didn't have a budget for anything. And what I. This movie combines everything I love, which is royalty and cowboys. Right? That's a good thing. But I love these royal movies because the budgets are so low that, you know, they film this in, like, the interior of, like, I don't know, a Holiday Inn or something because it's so grand. But of course, there's a bunch of footmen around and, like, 10 people that come for this advent lighting. But the exteriors that they show, I mean, Solarnia. [00:08:30] Speaker B: I mean, it was reminiscent of Buckingham Palace. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Book your ticket now. Get your passport to Zara. Okay, so she. Oh, that's right. So she lights the candle and she can't do it. She's got three more to go. They meet in the kitchen, and she's hatching this idea. [00:08:50] Speaker B: She touches that. That tiny wooden horse, and she's transported to this idyllic experience she had with her late father. [00:08:57] Speaker A: Right. Which she won't last. [00:08:58] Speaker B: Forget. Oh, and she gets that idea. [00:08:59] Speaker A: Yes. [00:09:00] Speaker B: That is a yes. [00:09:02] Speaker A: Yes. And she can't get it out of her head. So they go down to the kitchen. There's cookies being made. Gabrielle, of course, is forced to wear a tuxedo while they're all in their pajamas. Poor Gabrielle, he just sort of like gets pushed around, kicked around. He, you know, he falls into a slop thing and whatever. Meanwhile, he's like, I just want to grind her hook up. Anyway, okay, so I think he probably. [00:09:24] Speaker B: Does well at the spa in town. [00:09:25] Speaker A: He definitely does well at the spa. Okay, so the grand duchess is there, and finally she says, mother, mother, I have an idea. And she comes up with this idea saying, like, she's ready to take the duties, and they're big. And the mother, the grand duchess, has done this for decades, by the way. She's really low rent, isn't she? The grand duchess? She's not that interesting. No, No. [00:09:53] Speaker B: I mean, no wonder Miss Thing needs to leave Zularnia. [00:09:57] Speaker A: She's like, get me out of here. And why weren't the father and the grand duchess traveling together? [00:10:02] Speaker B: I don't know. The father daughter trip. [00:10:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:10:05] Speaker B: Freaky. Yeah, I didn't like it. [00:10:06] Speaker A: It gets a little weirder later. Okay, so she comes to the mother and says, listen, I can't take it. I need to go to the ranch. [00:10:14] Speaker B: And clear my mind. [00:10:16] Speaker A: She needs to clear my mind before she can take on the ditties of being a grand duchess. Okay. The mother says, well, I can see how much this means to you, Victoria. [00:10:28] Speaker B: You really could see? You really could see how much it meant to her. [00:10:32] Speaker A: As long as you're back by December 19th for the final lighting of the love candle, you may go and you have my blessing. Crazy. All right, next scene, they pull up in. I think it's called. Is it called Big Fork? Yes, Big Fork, Montana. And she pulls in. Somehow she's driving, But I'm going to say it's because probably in Solarnia, they drive on the other side of the road. [00:10:58] Speaker B: There's a reference to that. [00:10:59] Speaker A: Yeah, of course there is. So she pulls in and runs over and smashes all of this box of. [00:11:08] Speaker B: Ugly ornaments which were in the street. He left the damn ornaments in the, like, the gutter. They weren't up on a curb. She didn't do any crazy driving. The precious ornaments were up in the. [00:11:20] Speaker A: You bring up a great point and one that I didn't even think of until you just said it. And you're right. They were in the street. So fuck him for leaving them in the street. [00:11:29] Speaker B: And also, if you think he's conniving, maybe he saw this princess coming and put him. I mean, I don't know. I don't think that's implied, but. [00:11:36] Speaker A: Well, he's really disturbed because she smashed a nutcracker. And by the way, he's wearing a Santa jacket and it's pretty hot right out of the gate. Yeah, I think that's. That's fair to say. So that's their meet cute. Gabrielle runs in. He's like, I'm gonna go get the coffees. And he comes out with, of course, the ubiquitous empty coffee cups that are supposed to be filled. Now, I don't know what the budgets are on Hallmark movies, but can we please just put something in the coffee cups so they look like they've got coffee in them? You will see this as a novice. Every Hallmark movie, they walk around with empty coffee cups. Okay, okay, got it. Okay. So she had. They have their meet cute. He, you know, they're gonna fuck later, whatever. And then she checks into what is Peaceful Pines. [00:12:27] Speaker B: Peaceful Pines. [00:12:28] Speaker A: And of course, there's the down home, homespun, you know, proprietor there. And he checks her in and comes up with this line, which I just thought was so weird. Well, you know what we say around here. Don't squat with your spurs on. [00:12:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:46] Speaker A: Yeah. So I kind of was like, in my head, I put it on pause. I'm like, don't squat with your spurs on. First of all, I guess that would hurt. [00:12:55] Speaker B: Yeah. Where does it poke? It pokes you in the ass, I guess. [00:12:58] Speaker A: And why would you be. And what are you doing? It all just brought up too much. All right, so of course they have like mountains of luggage. And the porter is Gabriel has twice. [00:13:10] Speaker B: As much luggage as the princess. [00:13:11] Speaker A: Thank you. Was that. Was that what it was? [00:13:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:14] Speaker A: Okay. [00:13:15] Speaker B: I mean, yeah. [00:13:17] Speaker A: Well, we didn't talk about what they were wearing when they pulled up to Big Fork. Gabrielle is in like a full on denim gay rodeo look. And of course she has fringe on miraculously and is just right at home. All right, so the next morning, they get up and they. [00:13:39] Speaker B: The weird breakfast names at the homespun. The, like, Overland Trout. [00:13:44] Speaker A: Wait, wait, I wrote it. [00:13:45] Speaker B: Did you write it? [00:13:45] Speaker A: I wrote it somewhere. Because they bring it up twice. It's something like. Something trout. [00:13:52] Speaker B: Overland Trout, I believe. [00:13:54] Speaker A: All right, I'm going to find this because it's so weird. [00:13:57] Speaker B: So weird. [00:13:58] Speaker A: It's a huge breakfast. Well, first of all, they start by. She kind of interrupts this game playing. And of course, she sits down. And these weird cult people are like, do you want to sit down? Of course. And of course she plays the game. People love her immediately. [00:14:14] Speaker B: And it's this nutcracker she gets. Nutcracker. It's sort of like celebrity with something on your head. And it's nutcracker again. Like, she cracked his nuts at the meet cute. And now, could you imagine? That's the card she pulls. [00:14:25] Speaker A: And that's when Huntley walks in and she's like, you. And he's like, you. And she says, are you the porter? And he sort of mysteriously says, well, you know, something like that. So you don't really know what's going on. Although he does have some tie. Turns out he is the son of the proprietor who said, don't squat on your spurs. I'm still looking for that breakfast. Anyway, okay, so right away, they're into it. And you can tell that there's. There's an attraction. And he introduces himself as Huntley. So that's where that happens. Oh, I have that. [00:15:01] Speaker B: The lasso scene is. Oh, you do? [00:15:03] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Okay. So the next scene is when they have breakfast and she's kind of like. She's really hungry, and this is a big breakfast. But there's like all these people. There's nobody there. Like, I don't get why this breakfast is so huge. I'm sure it's craft services, actually. And they're just like, let's just film this over here. But they do serve cackleberries, Overland trout and hot rocks. [00:15:33] Speaker B: Yeah. And it's eggs, bacon and biscuits. [00:15:36] Speaker A: Yeah. Which I'm thinking must be authentic. Like, where would you come up with that? But how does overland trout become. I guess that's bacon. I don't know. [00:15:46] Speaker B: I think that's chicken. I don't know. Eggs, I mean, you know. Yeah, okay. Overland caviar would make sense, but that's not. I don't know. [00:15:58] Speaker A: Anyway, she's into it. Gabriel's into it. Some random person comes in and says, you've got to get two and you know, whatever. Everyone is so like into this breakfast, then it starts the day and all of a sudden they have to do all of these chores. Cleaning, mucking stalls, chopping wood. And by the way, she's doing this in a fringe denim Jack crystal fringe denim jacket. Or is this when she's all in white? [00:16:29] Speaker B: She's in white for this? Yeah, she's in white. [00:16:32] Speaker A: Yes, of course. But she doesn't care. [00:16:35] Speaker B: Yeah, she's a really good sport about it. [00:16:37] Speaker A: Yeah, she's plucky and she does not mind the chores. [00:16:40] Speaker B: Not demonstrating a lot of talent, but. But gumption. [00:16:44] Speaker A: Gumption, yes, gumption is a, you know, key element. I think it's a lot of talent. I could do none of those things. Nor would I. And by the way, Gabrielle doing it, girl would be like, nope, not, not doing it anyway. And they always get rid of him. So. So anyway, he sees her doing all of this and is smitten and kind of like, oh, I see her. [00:17:08] Speaker B: And she'll work, she'll do. [00:17:12] Speaker A: Yeah, she does stuff that, you know, which I think is part of like the farm life. Like, you know, you have boys because they'll work and you know, once you get a daughter, uh, oh, well, they'll cook. That's kind of what this is. It's a leaning towards a little bit of trad wife. Although she's like, nope, I will split the wood, I will clean the stalls. Whatever, whatever. [00:17:33] Speaker B: And you're right. There don't seem to be any other guests at the ranch. Everyone else who lives there seems to be a cult member. [00:17:40] Speaker A: Like it is. It's the Christmas cult for sure. [00:17:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:43] Speaker A: Okay. So then he sees that and says, we wanna take a walk. They have their winter walk. Then we hear his sad story, which kind of made no sense. I was expecting it to be like I was divorced or. [00:17:58] Speaker B: Right. It doesn't appear that either of these 40 year old adults have ever been in a relationship. Because of all the three candles that she's had to light once a year every year. I mean, who would have time? [00:18:11] Speaker A: That's true. [00:18:11] Speaker B: And yeah. And his baseball backstory. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Okay, so. Yes. So baseball backstory is he was scouted, then he had an injury. [00:18:20] Speaker B: Yeah, he went pro. And then his rotator cuffs, I mean, he blew his shoulder out. That was the language that they used. [00:18:26] Speaker A: And they had to sort of cancel the holidays. [00:18:29] Speaker B: That's what ruined the dance. He was like, oh, my parents had to help me with my PT for one shoulder. And then the dance just had to be canceled in perpetuity. [00:18:37] Speaker A: It made no sense. [00:18:37] Speaker B: It made no sense. [00:18:39] Speaker A: Okay? [00:18:39] Speaker B: And by the way, because it just reminds. Every year at that time, it reminds him that he was no longer able to have a major league baseball career. [00:18:46] Speaker A: It pissed me off. [00:18:47] Speaker B: I was like, it's not enough. [00:18:48] Speaker A: Oh, and then the other thing about the baseball thing is you never saw him sort of, like, looking at a ball or a glove or there was no bat in his truck or there was nothing that sort of tied him to having any kind of baseball life. So that pissed me off. Okay, so we go back to the barn, and somehow some random person is like, we, oh, wait. [00:19:14] Speaker B: Go back to the barn? Where in this barn they have real metal horseshoes indoors on a balcony. It's like, so. Like, no, there's no insurance for that. Like, it was such a bad idea. [00:19:27] Speaker A: These are simple people. [00:19:28] Speaker B: They're throwing horseshoes on a balcony. [00:19:33] Speaker A: So they go back, and we find out that the local volunteer firemen, you know, are lacking in funds. And it's really, really sad. And the woman is just like, I just wish there was something we could do. And everyone's sort of looking around, and of course, Princess Victoria. Is that her name? She pipes up and says, like, well, what about bringing back a holiday dance? And we could do this, and we could do this, and we could do this and we could do this. And right away, she has all of those annoying type A ideas and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, no, we can't. And he's really sort of sullen about it. What was your take on his reaction to not doing the holiday? [00:20:15] Speaker B: Well, I was expecting that there was a good re. Like, someone was impaled on the Christmas. Like, you know what I mean? I didn't think it was like, oh, my rotator cuff. I just thought, okay, there's something more. There must be something else going on here. [00:20:27] Speaker A: Lauren, nobody will ever get impaled in a Hallmark Christmas movie. But I like where you're going with that. You're, like, blending Final Destination with Hallmark Christmas movies. And then the tree broke. And then, you know. [00:20:40] Speaker B: Yes, but the tree that they make out of hay bales, like, that's a fire truck. I mean, I was concerned for these people's safety. The horseshoe, I mean. [00:20:46] Speaker A: All right, so he's sort of like, no, no, no. And then he thinks about it, and he's like, yes, it's a great idea. And she comes up with the most batshit insane, crazy thinking ideas for decor. And it all starts. We could turn all of our old cowboy boots into vases. Vases with Christmas arrangements in it. First of all, I thought that was hilarious. Hideous, ugly. And, you know, I'm gonna do it at home. [00:21:18] Speaker B: That did not count as an old cowboy boot. So the example, I was like, that's a new boot. [00:21:22] Speaker A: That was definitely a new boot. All right. And then she's like, I saw some tires outside. We could paint them white and turn them into snowmen. And then the Hail Bay Christmas tree. So, to your point, fire hazard. [00:21:36] Speaker B: Yeah. Let's put a bunch of lights on, a bunch of dried bales of hay stacked up to the ceiling of a bar. And what could possibly go wrong? [00:21:43] Speaker A: Well, and all of this is sparked by her memories. You know, her flashback memories of. With her father that she will not let us forget. [00:21:50] Speaker B: The proprietress produces that card that she had saved for. Let's go with 30 years. And the card was obviously printed, like, last week. [00:21:59] Speaker A: And she looks at it with those fond memories, and she can't believe that it's there, and it brings back all these memories. All right, it's time to talk about the flashbacks. Cause then we really get into the backstory of the stall. There's a horse called Charlie, I think. But the mother. [00:22:18] Speaker B: The horse used to be called. The horse that used to inhabit the stall was called Christmas. [00:22:22] Speaker A: And he was. Cause she was born on Christmas Day. And that sparks a flashback where she realizes the little boy that introduced her to Christmas and taught her how to ride, I'm sure, was very much Huntley. Yeah. So all of these years later, they come back together. He sits down with the parents and says, do you know, remember when I used to talk about that blonde girl? And if she was coming back year after year. That's her. That's Victoria. I'm skipping ahead a little bit. But he also. Because she hasn't revealed to him that she's a princess. [00:23:04] Speaker B: Mm. [00:23:05] Speaker A: So we've got all of these scenes where it's leading up to that, but finally she does tell him. And then he meets the parents and says, do you remember this girl? Well, it's Victoria. And not only is it Victoria, but she's a princess. And I think the mother has the best line where she says something like, no, no, I don't think she's a princess. She really, like, rolled up her sleeves. That was, like, the best line. [00:23:29] Speaker B: I agree. [00:23:30] Speaker A: Not delivered particularly well, but, yeah, she. [00:23:33] Speaker B: Also was like, come and break. Brittle with us. Which I won't soon forget. [00:23:39] Speaker A: Okay. They have the ball. It's not a ball. It's a dance. [00:23:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:46] Speaker A: So, yeah, they have the dance. Everyone is really happy. All the cult members are freaking out. [00:23:53] Speaker B: The dance is back. [00:23:54] Speaker A: The dance is back. And by the way, yes, she did come up with these ideas, but she didn't do shit. [00:24:00] Speaker B: Nothing. She's just there delegating. And everyone's like, oh, Princess Victoria. She's just pointing her fingers and flipping her hair. And all the cult members are getting everything done. [00:24:08] Speaker A: Yeah. And even Gabrielle was like, oh, thank God, girl. This bow is ugly. The Huntley. Fuck me. Moorcock sculpts this horse. [00:24:18] Speaker B: Just whittling a piece of firewood in the beginning. It's so funny. Yeah. Yes. He sculpts a much larger horse than the one her father had given her. [00:24:26] Speaker A: Thank you. And it's meant to be a tree topper, which I don't get. But anyway, they turned it into a tree topper. They have the dance. Everybody's really, really, really happy. It's beautiful. I think there's about to be a kiss, and it gets interrupted. I might be skipping around, but they're all the same. [00:24:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:48] Speaker A: Gabrielle, of course. By the way, I thought Gabrielle was gonna meet somebody in this. [00:24:54] Speaker B: Does that happen in these movies? Yes, it does. [00:24:58] Speaker A: It happens now. Okay, so, like, in the last. [00:25:01] Speaker B: Cause he was cute. He's like, little switchy Andy Samberg. I was just there for it. Yeah. [00:25:06] Speaker A: In the last five years. And it really exploded when Candace Cameron Bure left Hallmark Channel to start her own crazy, you know, Christian thing. And then they were like, good, she's gone. We can lay into this now. Everyone's getting some. But Gabrielle did not. Which was sad to me. Anyway, the whole thing is like, can we make this work? She's not sure. She's not ready to commit. He goes in for a kiss. She's not ready for the kiss. There's the interruption. All of that happens. But they do have a beautiful ball. And then it. Or get a dance, and then it's time for her to leave. [00:25:50] Speaker B: Well, and she, the prom king and queen, she's like, oh, what is this American tradition you have? And it turns out that Huntley was the prom king. And then this woman, one of the cult members, is just around, and it's not known whether or not as prom king and queen, they had any sort of romance. She's really ready to serve Huntley up to Princess Victoria, whoever this woman is. But then Victoria's like, oh, I know. We'll have a king and queen of the dance. And then, twist. She bestows those titles on a father and daughter, again with the theme of father, daughter trips. Father, daughter, kings and queens. [00:26:25] Speaker A: Weird. [00:26:25] Speaker B: Don't. [00:26:26] Speaker A: Love was weird and uncomfortable. And by the way, that little girl bugged the shit out of me, which I think is par for the course. I think they're supposed. But she was really annoying. She was also, like, the only one. She also hides all of these presents in the hay. That made no sense either. No. Anyway, all right, so they have this great ball. She has to go back. He had whittled this horse for her. There's a little. Just a slight conflict. But, you know, she does have to go back. [00:26:55] Speaker B: She doesn't want goodbye to be the last moment. [00:27:00] Speaker A: Say it again. [00:27:01] Speaker B: She doesn't want goodbye to be the way they leave each other. [00:27:06] Speaker A: That. [00:27:06] Speaker B: I don't remember the exact phrasing, but it's so. [00:27:09] Speaker A: Yeah, it's the sentiment, and you're absolutely right. So they have to, you know, head back to Zalarnia. By the way, what do you think the plane ride is to Zularnia? Like, how many hours? [00:27:19] Speaker B: I think it's like. I think it's eight hours. [00:27:22] Speaker A: I think it's eight hours. But then you land and you have to, like, go through some, like, wardrobe, like the lion, the witch, you know, you have to go through something magical to get to. You have to rub a stone. Something like that. Anyways. Yeah. Eight hours on a plane. Anyway, so she leaves. He, of course, goes back the next day because he has to give her the horse that she forgot. And the father walks out and says, she's gone, son. And he's devastated. We go back. [00:27:53] Speaker B: Oh, he cries. Oh, that tear. That tear was. That. It took so long to fall down his chiseled cheek. It was. I was really impressed with that choreography. [00:28:05] Speaker A: Can I tell you something? And I may be wrong? Write me if you know better. Label Queen Pot, gmail.com. by the way, I think that's the first time I've seen a man cry. [00:28:18] Speaker B: Oh, groundbreaking. [00:28:19] Speaker A: I think it was a little groundbreaking. If I'm wrong, let me know. But definitely a tear. [00:28:26] Speaker B: She does not cry. [00:28:27] Speaker A: No. [00:28:27] Speaker B: And he. Ooh, he's shedding that tear. [00:28:30] Speaker A: And it was sexy. [00:28:32] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. [00:28:33] Speaker A: Like a Marlboro man crying. I was not mad at it. All right, so we go back to Zularnia. She must light that last candle. It's love. And I don't know what the date is. And she does, and it's weird. And then the cult members of Zalarnia come, and there's like. Like one random Asian family like, that don't get to say. [00:28:53] Speaker B: Oh yeah, the little Benetton. [00:28:55] Speaker A: Yes. [00:28:55] Speaker B: Colors thereof. Pepperdine. [00:28:57] Speaker A: Yeah. And the footmen are there doing nothing, but they've got ruffled jabots on. Anyway, so she lights the candle. She decides to speak from the heart, which is so important. I have no idea what she said. [00:29:12] Speaker B: Well, she wasn't any good with the script in the first scene, so we can only go up from. [00:29:16] Speaker A: And now she has a heart, by the way. I have no idea what she said. Cause I thought it was boring as fuck. Did you hear anything she was saying? I think I was checking my email at that point. [00:29:27] Speaker B: Yeah. No, you know what? It was really weird. She was like, there's all kinds of love, but the kind of love that matters the most is the one that you didn't expect. Like, is that the kind of love. The surprise love is the best love. Like, yeah. [00:29:43] Speaker A: The kind of like creeping around. [00:29:45] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, yeah. Best love is the one you didn't expect. I'm like, isn't that like, how close are we getting to rape here? But I. [00:29:53] Speaker A: It was a little. It had a little bit of a feeling, like that. [00:29:55] Speaker B: It was weird. [00:29:56] Speaker A: All right, so she does it. Of course, the cult of Zerlarnia are into it. She lights the candle, it goes off without a hitch. And then the next scene we see Huntley. Fuck me Moorcock. Is it Fuck me Moorcock or fuck me Bigcock? [00:30:14] Speaker B: It was Bigcock, but more kids than. [00:30:15] Speaker A: I like them both big and more is. It's on Christmas Day and he is in the stable. No, he's in the. What do they call that? Where the horses run around? [00:30:26] Speaker B: I know what you're talking about. That thing. [00:30:28] Speaker A: And he's doing nothing. And he goes back into the stable to talk to Charlie, which he of course forgets. [00:30:38] Speaker B: Always calling that Charlie Christmas. [00:30:40] Speaker A: And she's there. So somehow she got on a flight, an eight hour flight. Had to go through the wardrobe, rub the rock, get on a flight, do her horse hair. By the way, she has horse hair. [00:30:56] Speaker B: That's a mane. [00:30:57] Speaker A: That is a mane. [00:30:58] Speaker B: 100% a mane. Yeah, Mane. [00:31:00] Speaker A: That is a mane. And she does her hair. She gets her little fringe outfit on. And she's just there in the stables. [00:31:06] Speaker B: In the stables. [00:31:07] Speaker A: And he's like, it's a Christmas miracle. It's a Christmas miracle. What are you doing here? Ba ba, ba. I came back. They kiss and it's a passionate kiss. For Hallmark it was. I didn't see tongue. [00:31:20] Speaker B: No. [00:31:21] Speaker A: But I feel like it was an open kiss. I feel like it was an Open mouth kiss. And I feel like that kiss. Like, just do it in the barn, right? Like, just do it there. Who cares if Charlie's there? The horses aren't gonna say anything. And, like, if it was a gay porn, first of all, they would have done it five minutes into the movie. [00:31:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:43] Speaker A: And then ask names later. But a barn. Do it in the barn. [00:31:47] Speaker B: Yes, please. [00:31:49] Speaker A: Anyway, yeah. [00:31:50] Speaker B: Hay bales are stacked. So many options of angles and, you. [00:31:54] Speaker A: Know, take off your spurs. [00:31:56] Speaker B: Yeah, just don't squat. [00:31:57] Speaker A: Just don't squat. [00:31:57] Speaker B: Just choose your positions wisely. But, yeah. [00:32:00] Speaker A: Anyway, they don't do it in the barn. They go into the big barn for breakfast. And of course, the grand duchess is there and the proprietress says, oh, I'm making. What is it? Overland trout, hot rocks. And I forgot what the first thing was. Why can't I find these? [00:32:20] Speaker B: It's the middle one. Hot rocks is the last one. And that's biscuits, I think, but I don't remember either. It's hard to retain. It's total nonsense. [00:32:28] Speaker A: Anyway, they have that crazy breakfast. Gabrielle's there, of course. Poor Gabrielle. He doesn't even get a day off. He doesn't even get Christmas off. [00:32:36] Speaker B: Yeah, the jet lag must be like, wild. [00:32:38] Speaker A: Poor Gabriel. The sister is there. [00:32:41] Speaker B: Yeah. Those duties in Zalarnia actually can run themselves and the whole royal family can pop off to Montana, no problem. So I don't know what all the freaking out was about. [00:32:51] Speaker A: Thank you. And that's also what I thought. They are abandoning the entire kingdom of slaughter. [00:32:57] Speaker B: The infrastructure of Zlarnia is in real danger here. [00:33:00] Speaker A: And just to go to Montana for. [00:33:02] Speaker B: One day for hot rocks and overland. [00:33:04] Speaker A: Trout and what is the other one? Why can't I find it? It's gonna make me crazy. Okay. [00:33:11] Speaker B: Strips. No. Something strips. [00:33:15] Speaker A: Oh, cackleberries. [00:33:17] Speaker B: Nope. Cackleberries. Maybe that's eggs. I have. [00:33:19] Speaker A: No. Cackleberries sound terrible, by the way. It's probably like turkey testicles or something. That's what? That's cackleberries. All right. So. So he says to the sister, congratulations on taking over the duties. And she's like, I am so ready. I was ready. I was born for this. I hated that. I hate my sister. I'm so glad she's gone. Anyway, they again have another kiss with everybody in the background. And of course it ends. What did you think of this movie? [00:33:53] Speaker B: It was. It was worse than I expected. I just had the stakes. I just expected there would be some stakes, you know, and they're just between the royal duties being so negligible. And then the roach tater cuff injury being like, all of this, you know, the darkness and the strife and the things that needed to be overcome were just. I mean, it's like, yes, it gives you hope because there's really no fear. Like, there's nothing that's gonna happen besides these two people getting together, which I guess is the vibe of all of them. [00:34:30] Speaker A: Oh, my God, Lauren. That is actually what every single one of these is gonna be like. So get ready. [00:34:37] Speaker B: Don't worry. They're gonna be together. [00:34:39] Speaker A: There's no steaks or. It's usually like, I heard somebody saying something or I overheard something that wasn't true. It's always like, something like that. But there's a lot of. I'm gonna hook you up with all of the best ones. What do you think they got right? [00:34:58] Speaker B: Well, I think that the. The gentleman was pretty handsome, and I think he was well dressed. I was surprised when he took off his cowboy hat for the first time, that he had a great head of hair. Like, I thought maybe he didn't. And that's why that cowboy hat was just stapled on. But I think that's just to keep us in Montana, I guess. [00:35:14] Speaker A: All right, you bring up a great point. He never took off that fucking hat until one scene where he had breakfast with the parents. But the hat was always in the way of the kissing. Like, there was a lot of hat bumping in this. I think people not used to wearing hats. Okay. This Princess Victoria of Zalarnia was Fiona Googleman. Warren Christie was Huntley Blaylock. Blaylock. What? [00:35:42] Speaker B: It's hard to say. [00:35:42] Speaker A: Yeah, the Blaylock. Moorcock is better. [00:35:45] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:35:46] Speaker A: Okay. Warren Christie, I have a feeling he is a little bit from this sort of Montana world. Like, I'm going to research him a bit because he definitely looked really comfortable. I thought he was sexy. [00:35:58] Speaker B: I agree. But when he's fixing this fence, first of all, okay, the fence is. Is fine. The fence is standing. He screws maybe three or four screws just into just the wood of the fen and then takes out his level. [00:36:13] Speaker A: Yes. [00:36:13] Speaker B: I mean, I don't know if the actor had any say in this, but if that man had ever been on a ranch, he would be like, you guys, what are we doing here with this DIY project? [00:36:21] Speaker A: Well, those scenes were always for the father to give brilliant fatherly advice, which were also really boring. But, yes, you're right. Who would you fuck out of the two of them? [00:36:33] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Fuck me, Moorcock. [00:36:35] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. [00:36:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:38] Speaker A: She bored Me and there was so much hair, I thought I might get. [00:36:42] Speaker B: Get smothered by her hair about when. So she's already like mucked the barn and the stables and then gets that one, one piece of hay in her hair. And he, he goes in and he pulls out the piece of hay. And then she says I have to wash my hair. Like she's been shoveling horseshit, presumably. And then this tiny. One little piece of hay and she's gotta go wash her hair, which has. [00:37:05] Speaker A: Gotta take hours, hours and hours to dry. And her hair actually looked like hay. Like there were moments where it was like horse mane, hail, bed. Like so much hair. [00:37:17] Speaker B: Really a lot. Yeah. It took him a while to find that piece of hay. [00:37:19] Speaker A: So, so, so much hair. I. I'm gonna tell you, I actually enjoyed this. I thought the location was pretty good. I thought it looked somewhat authentic. Although I don't think there's so many mountains in Montana. I could be wrong. Or so close, I should say, to. [00:37:37] Speaker B: The little like ghost town. That was a cool landscape with the mountains jutting up behind the little saloon looking buildings. Yeah. [00:37:44] Speaker A: Would you rather hang out in Zalarnia or Big Fork, Montana? [00:37:52] Speaker B: Big Fork, Montana. [00:37:54] Speaker A: Interesting for me. [00:37:55] Speaker B: Interesting. I didn't really see enough of Zularnia. It's mostly the palace. [00:38:00] Speaker A: Yeah, I agree. First of all, my question is always like, is there a gay bar in Big Fork, Montana? And is that where Gabriel was always like running off? [00:38:11] Speaker B: Well, there's the spa. [00:38:12] Speaker A: There's the spa coded. And then is there a gay bar in Zularnia? [00:38:18] Speaker B: Less likely. I mean, Gabriel says it. We don't do different in Zalarnia. [00:38:23] Speaker A: We don't do different. Yes. [00:38:26] Speaker B: Yeah. And he's ready to. [00:38:27] Speaker A: Right, right, right. Okay, so. And then I guess my last question is, out of all of the characters in this, who would you want to play? Doesn't have to be the leads. Who would you want to play? [00:38:45] Speaker B: I mean, I'm definitely like brunette sister vibes, you know? [00:38:50] Speaker A: Okay. [00:38:50] Speaker B: I think that would just be in my wheelhouse that like, get this dizzy bitch out of the way so I can run this country and put a gay bar invalid in Delarnia. Yeah. [00:39:01] Speaker A: My first order degree will deeply put. [00:39:05] Speaker B: The gayest of bars immediately at once. [00:39:09] Speaker A: Yes. Okay, I see that for you. Okay. My role that I would die to play in this is the footman. Yeah, I just want to be a footman. [00:39:20] Speaker B: Oh, not Gabriel, One of the. [00:39:22] Speaker A: No, no, no. I just want to be one of the royal guards that sits there in one of those shitty red jackets. With, like, a flouncy thing. I think they were even wearing, like, knickers. They don't say anything. They look really the part. And talk about low stakes. Like, what do they have to do, like, haul out four candles every year? I don't know. All right, Lauren, that is the end of a royal Montana Christmas. This has been so much fun. Are you gonna come back for five more of these? [00:39:52] Speaker B: Yeah, I would love to. [00:39:54] Speaker A: Thank you, Lauren. All right, everybody, email [email protected] tell me your favorite holiday movies. We'll talk about them. And next one is coming up. I have a feeling it's gonna be very similar. [00:40:08] Speaker B: I'm gonna get a real education over the course of this podcast. [00:40:13] Speaker A: Thank you.